larvatus prodeo

Harper’s Magazine breathlessly informs its readers that “Italian urologists increased the size and improved the function of test subjects’ penises with a device called the Andropenis.” By all appearances a simple traction implement, it does not seem to be eligible for patent protection. In this connection, herewith a choice of patents pertaining to the material bodily lower stratum:

• A therapeutic prosthetic device configured to be worn on a flaccid, partially-erect, or erect penis, transmitting tactile sensations through a stimulation material to its surface;
  
• a barbed trap deployed to capture and retain said penis within a hostile vagina;
• a method of investigating and verifying sex crimes and sexual fidelity by analyzing body fluid residues deposited on specific articles of clothing by said penis;
• an oral device protecting said penis from being scraped by teeth during fellatio;
• a penetration enhancer employed for treatment for female sexual arousal disorder;
• an anal filter for protecting underwear from soiling by excreta carried by the flatus;
• a prosthetic anal sphincter meant to reproduce the action of the sphincter muscles which maintain continence; and
• a deodorizing and sound muffling anal pad for preventing soiling of underwear due to undesired anal discharge.

…ποιήσει δὲ αὐτήν, ὡς ἔοικεν, ἡἡμετέρα χρεία.